I have been involved with a lady, a senior colleague at my place of work. She is also a couple of years older than me. We both come from the same place and although I can’t really say I am in love with her, we have a stable relationship. She seems committed, is responsible, God fearing and very hard working. When she is not doing office work she gets involved in her decoration business which is also lucrative. To put it simply, where finances are concerned she is not struggling to make ends meet. In fact she recently made a down payment on a house. In Abuja that’s a very big deal. We both practice the same faith and have met each others families. Even with the age difference my people seem to like her and I am almost certain all she is waiting for now is a proposal. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has already bought a wedding gown. She is the type that plans ahead. She is also reasonably good looking and well read. She has a degree in accounting. My only problem is this: I cannot recall a single instance where this woman has ever given me money. Not a penny, not a dime. No matter how dire my circumstances, she keeps a blank face as if she has not noticed, and if I make an outright request it is always met with excuses even if it’s within the salary week.
I am confused. In every other way she is quite caring. When I visit there is always plenty of food for me, she has paid my hospital bill on a certain occasion and I think she sent fees to my younger sister who was on the verge of being kicked out of school but that’s it. This lady, from my estimation earns more than 10 times what I earn. She has never bought me clothes, or given me an extra boost when broke. She clings tightly to her purse.
I know men in my position whom the lady is doing everything for. But my story is different. God knows I wouldn’t be stingy to her if the roles were reversed.
I am genuinely confused. She has most of the qualities I want in a wife but this one flaw really gets to me.
What do I do? Should I keep searching?
Pius.
Devaan says…
Dear Pius,
This is an interesting one and an issue to be taken seriously. People don’t know that a major cause of failed marriages globally is FINANCES or management of same. So your concerns are valid.
One thing I can tell you without any doubt, most ladies shy away from giving a man money for fear of being labeled DESPERATE sometimes even by the man himself.
You see, culturally and religiously, the man is expected to pick up the tab when it comes to finances while madam handles the home front. This is ingrained in us in one way or another from childhood such that once the roles are reversed many women have difficulty coping with this new picture. They just don’t like it. It falls outside their comfort zone. Knowing how to deal with it becomes a challenge and most men have difficulty adjusting too. Such that every unintended slight is magnified, every sigh interpreted as a slap in the face.
She may also have been taught a hard lesson in the past by a love interest she helped who later abandoned her or she has observed this among her friends or family members.
I don’t think it’s wickedness or stinginess (it might be though, I don’t know her personally). I am more inclined to think it’s fear of being mocked, taken for granted and possibly milked dry.
From what you say this is someone who works hard for her money. Perhaps she feels you are lazy and doesn’t see why she should raise excess money to dash you instead of investing. She might also be scared that you will think she is trying to buy your affection and emotionally blackmail her.
Whatever the issue, if you are really considering marriage, it’s something that needs to be sorted out.
What about you? Are you financially ready for marriage? Would you be able to contribute a good sum for the wedding? Can you wife a woman who earns more than you do and not feel emasculated?
Serious issues.
You need to sit down and do some serious reflection. Earn a second income like she does. Try and save a little. Invest in something. Buy her things you can afford from time to time. Stop looking up to her she is not your mum. If you need financial assistance and she doesn’t offer don’t ask. Look else where.
It might give her peace, you might notice a change in her attitude.
I don’t really recommend talking to her about the situation. It might prove counter productive because you might be validating all her fears.
If after trying the advice I gave you for some months and you still observe no change, it might be a good time to ask if you are willing to overlook this one flaw in favour of her other many good qualities OR whether this one flaw is something you can’t live with.
At the end of the day, the choice is yours to make. Follow your gut instinct.
All the best.