By Adesida Adewumi MD
I have the permission of Hajia Hauwa, Alhaji Abdulahi and Hajia Ramatu ( not real names) to share their bitter-turned-to-joyful story with you so that you can learn some real life lessons from their story. Happy reading….
Hajia Hauwa (not real name) walked in to my consulting room burdened and burned out from 3 years of sorrow. She was already frustrated due to her 3 years of infertility problem. She was the second wife of Alhaji Abdulahi (not real name) who had 3 children from the first wife Hajia Ramatu (not real name). The 3 children were all girls which I later discovered was the reason Alhaji decided to marry Hajia Hauwa to give him a male child but for the past 3 years it had been in futility because the power most times was with Hajia Ramatu (the first wife). How you asked?…find out in subsequent paragraphs.
When Hajia Hauwa (second new wife) came to my consulting room that day, narrated how she had been trying to conceive to no avail. She told me the first wife was responsible for her infertility.I asked how? She told me she had gone to a good hospital where she was checked and was certified able to conceive but most times when it was her ovulation, the week most times always coincided with the week that it was turn of first wife to have intimacy with their husband. After the week had gone she would have wasted that month again. That was how she had spent the past 3 years of her life. I reviewed her results and Alhaji’s result from the other hospital, everything was okay true to her words.
I took her permission to allow me speak with their husband to prevail over the first wife to please allow the second new wife to have those ovulation weeks so that she could conceive. She said ” doctor dont bother yourself, the first doctor had appealed to him for same thing he refused to prevail on the second wife that the power to do that was with the first wife. His own was to do justice to them in each person’s week. I insisted i wanted to try if I could succeed in the appeal.
She gave me Alhaji ‘s number. I raised the issue with him and appealed to him to do the needful. He affirmed his earlier position of he would not interfere. Then I appealed to him I would like to talk to Hajia Ramatu (the first wife). He gave me her number. I put a call across to Hajia Ramatu to please help her second. She refused vehemently that she would not give up her week of intimacy to the second wife. From my conversation with her as a family doctor,I could feel deep seated heart aches. It was clear that if I would help Hajia Hauwa out of this 3 years fix,I would have to call for one or two family meetings among all the stakeholders. Of course, as a family doctor it is within the scope of my speciality (family medicine) to do that.
After several efforts, I was able to gather the 3 major stakeholders inside my consulting room. I knew there would be bitter ventilations. I was ready for them. I declared the meeting open “I welcome you all to this important meeting. I appreciate your coming. As you are all aware we are here for Hajia Hauwa infertility issue which had been contributed to by not utilising her ovulation week as a result of most times the weeks being Hajia Ramatu’s weeks. So I would like to hear from everybody how we can solve this problem please”.
Alhaji responded first,though out of anger and frustration. “Doctor I know the reason why my first wife didn’t want to allow my second wife to get pregnant. It was because she was afraid she would give me a male child I desperately needed” Before Alhaji could close his statement,the first wife had responded with “yes because you think female children were not good enough right? We shall see in this family ” I allowed all parties to continue to ventilate their angers. The first wife went further that apart from Alhaji showing too much preference for a male child, the second wife had no respect for her because of the way Alhaji had been treating her like a egg showing so much preference for her. Then the second wife too responded that ” Hajia was treating her like house girl,not as her counterpart and co wife even though she is junior to her,she is not her house girl”
After all had ventilated their anger and frustration,I addressed the issues raised one by one and apologised and appealed to each party.
To Alhaji, I condemned putting so much emphasis on particular sex of a child and showing preference for a particular wife.
To first wife, I appealed to her profusely to please forgive both parties on issue of male child and disrespect from the new wife.
To the new wife I appealed to her too to take things easy and respect her elder wife. All parties listened to me and apologised accordingly. There were tears and forgiveness. Then Hajia Ramatu (the first wife) promised to give the new wife Hajia Hauwa three uninterrupted months for her to have intimacy with Alhaji.
We rescheduled for second meeting in 3 months time.
Fast forward, second month after our meeting, Hajia Hauwa called me she missed her period. I asked her to come to hospital for further confirmation. PT was positive. I called Alhaji and Hajia ramatu to break the good news to them and thanked her specially for her sacrifice and forgiveness. Three years storm was over. At the third month we met as scheduled, it was just appreciation galore for all parties.
Fast forward,9 months came. As if God too knew about the whole desire..lol…she gave birth to a male child. It was another galore of happiness but let me now shock you. Do you know that the next pregnancy of the first wife was also a baby boy. So what was not enough was now available abundantly.
As the family doctor I was invited as a guest for both naming ceremonies but tight schedules would not allow me attend. So the whole family decided to pay me a visit in my consulting room one day. Five children in the room, 3 girls and 2 boys. After the august visit ,as they were leaving my consulting room, many lessons overwhelmed my mind and I will candidly share them and my opinion on them:
Lesson Number 1:
Marry only one wife if you can. It is not easy managing more than one woman under one roof. Even if you have the right to marry more than one, please try if you can, stop at one. There seems to be alot of challenges managing more than one woman under same roof. ( This is my personal opinion please)
Lesson Number 2:
This is to men. Please avoid rubbing sex of a child you want on the faces of your wives. Nothing pains a woman like after suffering in the labour room putting her life on the line for the child she gave birth to, you made her feel you prefer one sex of a child to the one she gave you. please men stop this discriminatory act. You are responsible for the sex of the child a woman gave birth to for you and a child is a child. Full stop!
Lesson number 3:
This is to all the families out there, peace matters a lot in a home. Give peace a chance. Alot of things that seem so difficult will suddenly be resolved if we can give peace a chance through communication and forgiveness.
Lesson Number 4:
The 4th delivery of Hajia Ramatu was a boy. Who knows if Alhaji had been patient, may be there would not be need for second marriage yet which led to all these 3 years of tussles and struggles in the home.
Just thinking….
▪︎ Dr. Adewumi is a Family Medicine consultant, based in Kano. Follow him on Facebook at “FROM INSIDE MY CONSULTING ROOM “; his health page on YOUTUBE and INSTAGRAM @doctorhealtheducation; on Twitter @doctorhealthed1; and on WhatsApp at: +2348068649694. He gives daily education on health plus free daily consultation.