By Adesida Adewumi MD
Today’s story is unique because it is a little bit different. Different in the sense that it was shared with me by my doctor colleague it happened to. He told me to share it through my forum. The patients also learnt her own lessons. I also learnt a good number of lessons from it, both professional and personally.
I have Dr Wale’s; Tolu’ s and her daughters’ permission to share this story with you on children and teenagers’ up-bringing. Dr. Wale (not the real name) is my colleague; while Mrs Tolu (not the real name) and her daughters were the patients. As a young doctor and now a father, I personally learnt from their bitter experience, too. It was a story that happened over three years (2011-2013), but Dr. Wale shared it with me this week.
Below was the story as Dr. Wale told me about his encounter with Mrs Tolu.
I met Mrs Tolu in 2011. The first day we met she came with her two grown-up daughters and one other small daughter, making four of them. The first daughter was 20 years old, the second one was 18 years old and third one around 14 years old. She came to ask for one of the doctors in the hospital that he was the one helping her to do what she wanted to do, that it was a yearly check she used to do for her two daughters.
Unfortunately, the doctor was not available and would be away for a long time. So I explained this to her. She said, okay; may be they would see me then to help them do it. I agreed to see her and the two daughters. She didn’t want to check the third one that she was too small for the check. In my brain I was actually wondering what this check was all about she had been doing for the two daughters but I hope it was not what I was thinking?.
I asked them to get the files of the two daughters. They got the folders and we entered inside my consulting room with the four of them. Then she dropped the bomb.”
“Doctor, I have been coming here to check the virginity of my daughters. Once they reach 15 years old I start monitoring them,” she reiterated. ‘”I would soon start for this third one. They had been good girls because they knew that their yearly virginity check would come and if it was not there, they knew the implications: I would disown them.
I was a little startled and confused hearing this and I must say I went ahead to educate Mrs Tolu that checking her daughters virginity was wrong.
“It is not recommended. Apart from being violence against women, you could hate your daughters if you found out something unexpected and this might have psychological implications for you and your daughters,” I volunteere.
She insisted and put pressure on me to help her. Even her daughters agreed to it.
I turned to the daughters. “Do you agree with your mother?” They smiled a little and nodded their heads in the affirmative. Since they were now adults I told them both to sign consent forms because their mother said I would have to tell her if they were still virgins or not after the check. I asked both of them again if they agreed with what she said. They chorused their Yes answer.
I excused the mother and the youngest daughter. I asked one of our female nurses to join me as a witness. I asked them if they were sexually active, but they said no. I checked them . Their hymens were still intact. I was actually impressed that in this age and generation of ours where the first age of sexual intercourse is 14 years for girls and boys, they were still keeping their purity. I commended them profusely and equally counselled them to keep the virtue up till their marriage. We finished. I told their mother my findings. She was very happy. She gave them a big hug and even promised to buy them gifts for keeping their virginity. I bid them farewell. The mother insisted on having my contact for subsequent follow-ups.
Mrs. Tolu called Dr. Wale, again, around the same time in 2012 for the regular virginity checks. This time around the third one, the youngest daughter, was ripe to join the two elder sisters:
We went through the same hospital protocol of collecting files and opened file for the new “member”, who was now 15 years. The daughters were now 21, 19 and 15 years olds. The first and second daughters looking for admission to the universities previous year when I met them for the first time had now gained admission. So they came to see me as undergraduates now. They came back from their universities for their yearly virginity check as mandated by their mother. They were no more at home 24/7 with their mother as they used to be before now.
Meanwhile, I forgot to tell you that their father had never supported the idea of this virginity check, according to their mother. Their father was of the opinion that proper upbringing of children and teenagers especially girl-children is broader and bigger than checking and monitoring their virginity. He said it encompassed a whole lot, but their mother would not budge. So, as usual they all signed consent forms to tell their mother my findings. I noticed that the second daughter signed reluctantly, looking scared but I pretended not to see that. I was thinking in my head something might have happened in the university.
As usual, I called matron to be my witness inside my consulting room. So I checked them one by one. The first daughter. All was well. I called in the second one. She was looking so tense. I checked. Lo and behold, no more hymen. I asked her if she had become sexually active. She said yes. She went on her knees and begged me passionately not to tell her mother. She said she would disown her. Her life would become miserable in the house. I told her I was under oath and she had consented, and I could not do otherwise. I counselled her on how to tell the mother when I called her in after the check. I called in the last daughter. She passed the virginity test.
I called their mother in and each daughter in separately. I called in the first and the last daughter first since there was no issue. Then the second daughter. I counselled their mother first and told her the daughter had something to tell her. The young lady just kept crying profusely and begging on her knees. Repeatedly for 30 minutes she refused to talk, only crying and begging the mother. Then she turned to me to help her talk and beg. I went through all our protocol of breaking the bad news.
“I am afraid, Mrs. Tolu, your second daughter is no longer a virgin”. She let out a scream. She started crying, too. My consulting room was full of crying. Even some of the health workers came around to ask, “did anybody die doctor?”. I asked them to go, I would handle whatever was on ground.
Mrs Tolu turned to her and looked at her ferociously and told her she was not following her home. She was no longer her daughter. After further counselling, she calmed down. I appealed to her. I was able to settle the whole matter for them as much as my strength could go, but I could see the look of failure on her face. She deeply felt she had failed as a mother. She rained accolades on her first daughter and last daughter. She praised them to high heavens. She told them they were now her best and most favourite daughters and they should never follow the second daughter’s evil way. I smiled a little. I appealed to her, again, to take it easy on her. I bid them farewell.
After this check, they came to the hospital for some other little sicknesses that I treated them for. In those sessions, this woman was always verbally abusing the second daughter. All sort of abuses. Even calling her a prostitute. Love was obviously lost between them. At the same time, she always called the elder daughter the best and was always pouring accolades on her anytime they all came together when they were back from school.
Well the usual time for their virginity check came again in 2013. She brought the three of them to me as usual. In my presence, she rained another set of insults on the second daughter for putting her to shame. She reminded her of the disappointment she brought to her exactly a year ago. I smiled a little and appealed to her to let this issue go since it was a year, and she should find a place in her heart to forgive her.
All the while that all these were going on with Mrs Tolu, I didn’t interfere in her reactions more than appealing and counselling her a little but I promised myself that day, that one day I would give her education on the right parenting way because definitely this was not it.
All protocols were followed as usual. Consent signed by the two daughters, first and last. I got our matron to be there as my witness as usual. So I started with the first daughter. I asked the last daughter to wait outside. Before I could ask her to lie down on the examination table, she went on her knees quickly and started begging me.”Doctor, please I have lost my virginity. I met a guy recently on campus. I am even presently cohabiting with him outside campus.”
She went on to narrate how she was robbed in school and raped. All her money and belongings stolen. She could not tell her mother because she was afraid, but she could tell the present guy that was housing her in school. That was how she had been staying with the guy since the robbery and rape incident. I asked her why such calamity would befall her on campus and her mother would not be the first to know. She said she was afraid of her.
“Okay, what of your dad? Did you tell him?”
“No, it would break his heart,” she said.
I had my doubts about the story, but I could not say it was totally untrue, too. I told her I still needed to confirm what she was saying. I examined her. Hymen was far gone. Now, I didn’t know if this story was true or not but I owed it a duty to tell her mother based on consent she signed. I counselled her on the need to tell her mother but much more within me I told myself today I would educate Mrs. Tolu on the right way to raise a child or a teenager.
The first daughter told me I should go ahead and help her break the bad news, including the issue of rape in school. I called in and checked the last daughter. She passed the test, again.
Then I called Mrs Tolu in and counselled her. “I am afraid Mrs Tolu, your first daughter, too, has lost her virginity”. Then I told her how it was lost, according to the daughter’s story. At first she was silent and slowly bowed her head. By the time she raised her head, her eyes were red, full of tears.
She asked me “Doctor, you are joking, right?”. The first daughter was in one corner shivering, sobbing and begging on her knees. The mother requested to use toilet. She felt like weeing and pooing at the same time. I asked matron to escort her.
After she entered the toilet,
the second daughter, who lost her own virginity a year ago, started smiling.
“Oh, good and best daughter in the world had lost her virginity, too,” she mocked.
She told the elder sister to stop lying, because she was not raped in school.
Not too long after, Mrs Tolu returned. She said she could neither wee nor poo. She burst into tears and started wailing seriously.
“Doctor, I am depressed, my two daughters have now lost their virginity despite all the stress I went through,” she said.
I allowed her to cry very well. Crying could be relieving sometimes.
After a while, she said she was disowning the first daughter, too. Only the last daughter would be her only good daughter, the two first daughters were a disappointment.
At this juncture, I thought it was time to educate Mrs Tolu on what it takes to raise a child and a teenager.
Just like her husband’s position, it is far, far more than monitoring virginity of a teenager. Don’t misunderstand me. I am an advocate of virginity till marriage. From what I have read in the Holy Book, God the Creator of heavens and earth cherishes and values virginity dearly, but parenting is more than monitoring a daughter’s virginity.
A girl can lose her virginity to factors as simple as exercises, not to talk of rape or an accident. Raising a child is multidimensional and has to do with age of the child. A child losing his or her virginity is not enough reason to hate, disown and throw the child away. The hatred cannot bring back the virginity, it will rather push the child away to the harsh world out there and make her get lost completely. Love can still redeem such child than hate,” I reasoned.
As she lamented, I gently interrupted and asked for her permission to share my thoughts with her on the right parenting method. Of course, in her sober state, she agreed and listened with rapt attention. I went ahead to share with her the pieces of truth on the right way to parent a child and teenager.
I counselled her on parenting styles. I told her there are four ways a parent can bring up a child based on LOVE and DISCIPLINE. We have authoritative parents – those that equally balance love and discipline.
Secondly, we have authoritarian parents – those that harp strictly on discipline. To these parents, there is no room for love. In my opinion, I think Mrs Tolu belonged here.
The third category of parents are those we call permissive parents. For these, there is no room for discipline; it is all about love. No matter what the child does, they have excuses for him/her. “Leave my child alone for me”, is a common refrain of these ones either in thought, speech, or conduct.
The fourth and last group of parents are the ones described as uninvolved parents. These ones are not even there for the child. Even if they are there, it is as if they are not there. They neither discipline, nor love; they are simply not there
Of these four groups of parents, the best are authoritative parents, while the worst are the uninvolved. The question, therefore, for every parent is, where do you belong?
I asked Mrs Tolu where she thought she belonged. She tearfully and sincerely said she was an authoritarian parent, who dwelt on discipline, without an iota of love.
I asked if she was authoritative, she thought her daughters would have been her friends. They would not have been afraid of her. May be they would have confided in her and asked her for guidance when they met those men they listened to more than her. She was silent.
Researches have shown that if you parent your children in an authoritative way, they would confide in you, seek your opinion before taking major decisions of life. The girls would even tell you about any man who comes to meet them for a relationship and you can guide them accordingly. She regretfully looked at me so soberly but I told her it was not too late. She could start now. She was so touched and did a touching thing.
She stood up and opened her arms wide and hugged her two first daughters. Three of them started crying. The daughters were crying and saying, “we are sorry, mummy; we will not disappoint you, again.” Mrs. Tolu was crying and apologising for been harsh to them.
The last daughter stood up and joined them, and was crying, too.
Dr. Wale also regretted and repented within me for not adequately advising parents; and joining in what I considered the inappropriate act of conducting virginity tests.
Dr Wale ended the story, but it threw up lessons that I believe we all need to learn from:
Lesson number 1: To my doctor colleagues, please avoid doing virginity test for anybody, especially in this kind of scenario that a mother is the one requesting to know. It is unethical and the negative effects can be devastating on the family as you can see in Dr Wale’s practice experience. You can decline as a doctor.
Lesson number 2: Parents, like Dr. Wale eventually counselled Mrs. Tolu on parenting, stop checking for virginity of your daughters. Parenting is bigger than checking virginity. Raise them authoritatively, balancing love and discipline in equal measure. That way, they will protect their own virginity.
Lesson number 3: Children, beyond your mother or parents trying to see that you turn out well in life, know that it is your life. If it is great, you will reap it. If it is otherwise, you will reap it. Life is about sowing and reaping. Take responsibility.
▪︎Adewumi, is with the Department of Family Medicine, Aminu Kano Teaching Hospital, AKTH, Kano, Nigeria. Follow his page on Facebook “FROM INSIDE MY CONSULTING ROOM “; and his Health page on YOUTUBE and INSTAGRAM @doctorhealtheducation; on TWITTER @doctorhealthed1; and on WhatsApp: +2348068649694